@iLikeCatShirts Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
@iLikeCatShirts @iLikeCatShirts Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
@iLikeCatShirts Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
@iLikeCatShirts Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
@iLikeCatShirts Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
@iLikeCatShirts It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
@iLikeCatShirts Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
@iLikeCatShirts It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
@iLikeCatShirts *throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
@iLikeCatShirts Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.