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Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

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Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

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It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

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Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.