Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag