@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

@ieatanddrink

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

@ieatanddrink

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

@ieatanddrink

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

@ieatanddrink

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

@ieatanddrink

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

@ieatanddrink

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag