Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE