@jlock17

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

@jlock17

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

@jlock17

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

@jlock17

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

@jlock17

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

@jlock17

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

@jlock17

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

@jlock17

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

@jlock17

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.