Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.