@lloydrang

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

@lloydrang

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

@lloydrang

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

@lloydrang

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

@lloydrang

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

@lloydrang

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

@lloydrang

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think