My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
the short answer to this question
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.