I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“The Perfect Relationship”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”