Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing