*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.