@mattZillaaaa

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

@mattZillaaaa

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

@mattZillaaaa

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@mattZillaaaa

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

@mattZillaaaa

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

@mattZillaaaa

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer