I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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I think they could have phrased this better
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.