James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
You Might Also Like
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
my dad has had enough
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Something Saturday.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.