The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.