Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.