@mellimelle

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

@mellimelle

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

@mellimelle

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

@mellimelle

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

@mellimelle

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.