I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.