HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*