He wanted to make sure😂
You Might Also Like
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*