Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
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Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.