just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
TWEET CALL
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today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout