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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?