I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
What my back needs
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.