Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Traveler’s camo
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: