I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”