@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@online_shawn

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

@online_shawn

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

@online_shawn

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

@online_shawn

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

@online_shawn

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

@online_shawn

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

@online_shawn

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference