Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
