@patnspankme

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

@patnspankme

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

@patnspankme

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

@patnspankme

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@patnspankme

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

@patnspankme

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

@patnspankme

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.