a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
every. time.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.