Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…