@pittdave13

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

@pittdave13

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

@pittdave13

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

@pittdave13

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

@pittdave13

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

@pittdave13

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

@pittdave13

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@pittdave13

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

@pittdave13

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…