@pleatedjeans

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

@pleatedjeans

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

@pleatedjeans

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

@pleatedjeans

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

@pleatedjeans

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@pleatedjeans

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

@pleatedjeans

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@pleatedjeans

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night