Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding