Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night