@prawn_meat

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

@prawn_meat

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

@prawn_meat

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

@prawn_meat

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

@prawn_meat

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

@prawn_meat

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost