Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
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want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
LA today:
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
#milo
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
first you must answer his riddles
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.