Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.