Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?