@ristolable

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

@ristolable

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

@ristolable

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

@ristolable

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

@ristolable

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

@ristolable

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

@ristolable

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

@ristolable

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

@ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

@ristolable

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.