At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.