If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.