ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be
*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”
ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..
*Flintstones theme song plays*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th