@shopkins776

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

@shopkins776

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

@shopkins776

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

@shopkins776

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

@shopkins776

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@shopkins776

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

@shopkins776

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

@shopkins776

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

@shopkins776

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores