*Me as a detective* Me: Who’s the victim? Cop: M: Who is it? C: No jokes please, promise? M: Ok, promise. C: A tarot reader. M: C: M: Well, I guess a long life for her.. C: Please don’t. M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
*in court* Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese. Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold. P: THEY BEAT YOU UP! M: I know. They were organized.