@smiles_and_nods

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

@smiles_and_nods

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

@smiles_and_nods

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

@smiles_and_nods

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

@smiles_and_nods

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

@smiles_and_nods

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.