@sonictyrant

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

@sonictyrant

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

@sonictyrant

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

@sonictyrant

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

@sonictyrant

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

@sonictyrant

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms