Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.