If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.