Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
just leave it at the foot of the bed
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more