Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do