@torrami Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
@torrami @torrami “Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
@torrami Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
@torrami *walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
@torrami A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
@torrami Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
@torrami My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
@torrami Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
@torrami Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
@torrami Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.