Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.