COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Now, where’s the sport in that?