I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.