Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.