Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
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If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I needed a laugh this morning.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not